This post is very similar to the first “WTF” post, except here I’ll be telling you about some of the crazy stuff BR has said in the past, as opposed to the present. And yes, all of this stuff actually happened. And yes, one of us regularly sees a therapist. Spoiler alert: it’s me!
BR loves his i-Pad. I know, everyone says they love their i-Pad – but he loves his i-Pad. It’s disgusting.
Me: BR, for the zillionth time, can we please get a TV in our bedroom at the cottage? I like to fall asleep to Law and Order.
BR: Blondie, for the zillionth time, NO. We’re not here to watch TV, we’re here to enjoy the nature. Read a book.
Me: Well that’s not really fair, considering you play on your i-Pad all the time. I don’t have an i-Pad.
BR: Blondie, you don’t know how to work an i-Pad.
Me: That’s probably true but that’s not the point. If I can’t have a television, you shouldn’t be allowed to have an i-Pad, especially since you lie in bed and make out with yours all the time!
BR: Blondie, stop being so irrational. And I’m hungry, can you get me some dinner?
Me: Maybe your i-Pad can get you some dinner.
BR: If my i-Pad could get me dinner you would be out on the streets.
Me: Well that was unnecessarily harsh and slightly hurtful. What are you doing on that thing now anyway? Are you playing that stupid elevator game again?
BR: Blondie, I’ve already told you – I have a whole family of elevator people who rely on me to feed them, get them jobs, and send them up and down the elevators. Do you have any idea how much responsibility that is? Obviously you don’t. And I can’t just abandon them all willy-nilly because you want to “talk” about televisions or something.
Me: (blinking and staring)
BR: Now stop being so selfish, and please go and get me some dinner.
Me: Well maybe your elevator family can get you some dinner!
BR: Blondie! If my elevator family could get me dinner we’d be divorced!
Me: WHAT. IS. WRONG. WITH. YOU.
BR: I’m hungry! And now you’ve made my elevator family upset.
Me: Ok, fine. If you need me, I’ll just be over here in “reality” getting you dinner. And for dessert you and your elevator family will be getting a punch in the face.
Me: Ugh. I had the worst day today. This happened and then that happened… and then this happened…
BR: I said NACOM, Blondie. NACOM.
Me: Ok, I don’t really understand you. Are you speaking Klingon?
BR: No Blondie, NACOM – Not A Concern Of Mine.
Me: Wow, did you just make up an acronym for not caring? I don’t know whether to be proud of you or mad at you.
BR: Blondie… NACOM.
Me: BR? What are you doing sitting in the walk-in closet? And why is there money everywhere?
BR: I got a new money counter today at Costco but it’s not really working. See? It just shoots the money out everywhere.
Me: How long have you been in here for?
BR: Blondie, stop interrogating me.
Me: So you’ve just been in here for god knows how long, spraying money all over yourself?
BR: Blondie! A man can do what he wants with his own money counter in his own walk-in closet!
Me: Ok… do you want to take it back to Costco and exchange it for one that actually works?
BR: Not really.
Me: Uh-huh. Ok, well if you need me I’ll just be in the other room spraying champagne all over myself and the dogs.
BR: Fine. Don’t use the good champagne.