BR is a bit of a closet hoarder. And no, I don’t mean he hoards things in his closet (well some things, actually), I mean he hoards things in secret. Strange things. And he does NOT like it when I throw things out.
I, on the other hand, do not like clutter so I have become a secret “thrower-outer.” I have to wait until he’s not looking, quickly get rid of a bunch of crap, and then hide the evidence. But at least with BR if it’s out of sight, it’s out of mind. He doesn’t usually realize stuff is missing unless he catches me red-handed. However, this has backfired on occasion.
BR: Blondie, I was up in the garage today and do you know what I found all wrapped up in a box, hidden in the corner?
Me: Um, no. What?
BR: My vase collection!
Me: Uh-oh. You weren’t supposed to find that.
BR: Well I did. And you know what I’m going to do? I’m going to systematically put them all back, one by one, throughout the entire house.
Me: Please don’t do that. I hate them.
BR: And then I’m going to buy a whole bunch of fake flowers and put them back in all my vases because you obviously threw those out too!
Me: Do NOT put any more fake flowers in this house! I’m begging you. They’re disgusting!
BR: I’m doing it. And then I’m going out and buying more vases and even more fake flowers to teach you a lesson!
I remember when I first moved in with BR. We were in the walk-in closet together. He was making room for my stuff and I was unpacking. He took a rather large box down from one of the shelves… hesitantly.
Me: What’s in there?
Me: Then why do you have such a weird look on your face? Is it ex-girlfriend stuff?
BR: No. It’s nothing. Just don’t open it.
Me: I’m opening it.
BR: Blondie! I told you not to open it!
Me: What the…? There’s like 50 pairs of hotel slippers in here! And they’re still in the plastic. Why do you have all these?
BR: Blondie! Do not touch my hotel slipper collection! Do you know how long I’ve been collecting those for?
Me: I think the more important question here is why. Why do you have a hotel slipper collection. Hidden in a box. In the closet.
BR: BECAUSE… hotels always rip you off and I like to feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Me: So you take the slippers and then you stash them in a box and hoard them in your closet? You can’t just take the toiletries like a normal person? At least those get used…
BR: Blondie! A man is allowed to have his own secret slipper collection hidden in his own closet!
Me: Ok, that sounds a bit gay… I’m pretty sure even my gayest friends would agree with me on that one.
Soon after that we were cleaning out the pantry together. I wanted to make some space for some actual food. One entire section from floor to ceiling was taken up by pillar candles. Red, cranberry-scented pillar candles. Like a hundred of them. Many of them half-used and melted down.
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of candles. Why do you have so many?
BR: There was a sale. A store was going out of business.
Me: So you decided to buy a lifetime’s worth of… I see. Well can we at least throw out the ones that are all melted?
BR: No. I’m taking those to the cottage.
BR: Because Blondie. I’m not just wasting a bunch of half-used candles. I want to melt them all down and make one giant candle.
Me: I’m sorry, what? I’m not exactly sure how…
BR: Blondie. It’s very easy. You just get a pot, stick it on the fire, throw all the candles in, and melt them into one giant candle. It will be like a “craft project.” We’ll do it together. As a couple.
Me: Are you sure we just can’t throw them out?
BR: Blondie! I’m not just going to throw out a bunch of perfectly good half-used candles when I can turn them into one giant candle! That’s like throwing money away! Is that what you want to do? Do you want to throw away money? Now I’m putting these in a bag, and we’re taking them to the cottage, and we’re going to do a giant-candle-craft-project. Ok?
Me: (blinking and staring)
BR: I’m very excited about this. I’m obviously some sort of candle genius.
And those are just a few examples. We probably have about seven-hundred travel mugs because every time we go to Costco BR buys at least ten. He also buys at least one computer monitor, batteries, flashlights, swimming goggles and flippers, random gadgets, random tools, and cutting boards. Every. Single. Time.
He also has an entire closet full of old, outdated computer and electronics paraphernalia. Another closet full of empty picture frames. And an abnormally large number of defibrillators. Seriously, we have like ten defibrillators. They’re all over the house. And in the cars.
This summer he came very close to letting me have a garage sale. Until he realized that I would actually be getting rid of stuff.
BR: Blondie, I like the idea of people coming here and giving me money. I just don’t like the idea of having to give them any of my things. Therefore I am making the executive decision to cancel this garage sale.
Me: That’s fine BR. I don’t really think you “grasp” the concept of a garage sale anyway, because so far you’ve only put two things in the “sell” pile. And one of them is a muffin wrapper.