BR and I are kind of an odd match. In fact on paper it would appear as though we are very ill-suited:
He is an evil genius who loves technology – I am a very nice person of average intelligence and can barely work my phone. He likes extreme sports – I like safety. He loves sailing – I get sea sick and have an irrational fear of drowning. He loves playing polo – horses scare me and I think polo is a stupid sport for rich people. He likes travelling – I am a homebody and I find travel stressful, especially since I have no sense of direction and can barely make my way through the airport without crying a little. He likes techno music and hates old country – techno music makes me want to rip my eyes out and I love old country. He is Jewish – I had to convert and promise that Christmas is forever dead to me. He is a robot – I am an actual person with feelings.
BR: I’m going to assume something’s the matter with you because there’s water coming out of your eyes.
Me: That’s because I’m crying.
Anyway, these differences became apparent very early on in our relationship. One spring day I asked if we could drive downtown so I could buy some flip-flops, and then go for fish and chips. He was hesitant.
BR: I’m not driving down to that hipster street full of smelly beatniks.
Me: Oh come on, it’ll be fun. We’ll take the dogs with us.
I finally persuaded him. Of course when we got down there it was mobbed and we couldn’t find a parking spot. So BR decided take matters into his own hands and park his fancy sports car in front of a fire hydrant.
Me: I’m pretty sure you can’t park here. We’re blocking a fire hydrant.
BR: Blondie relax. This spot is reserved for rich people. (evil laugh)
Random hippie on a bike: You can’t park by the fire hydrant asshole!
That comment was followed by a number of sneers and disapproving looks but I’m not sure how many, because my eyes quickly averted the crowd. Our day had just begun and within minutes we had our first public shaming. So I hurried into a shop, bought the flip-flops, and ducked back into the car so we could head down the street towards the restaurant.
When we got there the restaurant was packed. So I told BR to walk the dogs in the park across the street while I waited for our food. He came back about 20 minutes later looking a little agitated and I was still waiting. So I told him to go put the dogs in the car, come back and help me carry the food out. They were left in the car with the windows open for literally THREE minutes. But it didn’t matter. By the time we got back to the car there was an angry mob surrounding it. One particularly aggressive woman blocked BR from opening his door and shouted how she was a dog owner and she would never leave her dogs in her car and we’re lucky she didn’t call the police and what kind of sick people were we. The angry mob agreed with her. Somehow we managed to elbow our way through the crowd and as soon as I got into the car I slunk down in the seat and covered my face with my hand.
BR: Blondie! Why are you hiding from these beatniks? IT’S NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS!
Me: I don’t like confrontation! And that was our second public shaming today!
BR: Do you think I care what these hippies think? Do you know what I’m allowed to do in this car? I’m allowed to run hippies over! I knew there was a reason I never come down here! THIS NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN MY NEIGHBOURHOOD! And you made me take my poodles into that filthy park full of junkies and there were a bunch of beatniks playing bicycle polo! AND I COULD TELL THEY WERE MOCKING POLO!
So that was our first and last trip to that particular part of town. And I assure you that since then, I’ve had to adapt to BR’s lifestyle way more than he’s had to adapt to mine.
But don’t get me wrong, there are some similarities between us. We do share a very similar sense of humour. We laugh a lot. And believe me, in this relationship a sense of humour is key. So is patience. So is alcohol. Plus I’ve always been attracted to people who are a little off-the-wall and eccentric anyway, so I generally find his antics entertaining. In a bizarre, I-can’t-believe-this-is-my-life sort of way.
And although I joke that he is a robot with no feelings, he is – deep down – extremely kind-hearted and generous. He has given me a very lovely life that is at the very least never, ever boring.
And at the end of the day I think I balance him. There has to be one relatively normal person in any relationship, and I am that person. I’d also like to think I offer a voice of reason, although it can be a little difficult at times to reason with BR. And by “a little difficult at times” I mean literally impossible.
And I actually never used to believe that opposites attract. I always assumed that like attracts like. But could you imagine two BR’s living together? Of course not. The world would explode.